A number of people have recently got in contact with me to demand more information on the Shower/Egg Theory. This rising clamour for advice has the potential to spill over into riots. Therefore, even though there is already a wealth of reference material in the public domain, as the founder of the theory I feel it is now time to clarify my own views, and my current understanding of the topic, not to mention its profound consequences.
The Shower/Egg Theory can be stated simply as follows:
A person must take at least (X+1) showers in a given day, where X represents the number of Egg-based meals consumed on that day.
So to put that in a practical context, let’s say that a random individual wakes up in the morning and promptly takes a shower. At this point he can obviously be considered to be clean.
However, if that same person were then to consume an Egg-based meal such as scrambled eggs, he is considered to be carrying what is termed a ‘Shower/Egg deficit’ of 1 (Unity). Inevitably, if this condition persists, the remainder of his day will be associated with discomfort, anxiety and misfortune.
The basic solution for that person is to take another shower, thus correcting his Shower/Egg deficit. In other words, we must all keep a strict eye on the number of Egg-based meals we consume in a day, and ensure we take one more shower than that number.
It is important to review the government guidelines on what constitutes an Egg-based meal. ‘To be considered Egg- based, a meal must retain a clear state of “egginess”; that is to say, a mushy, unpalatable, yellowish consistency and/or a faintly nauseating poultry-like scent.’ Egg-based meals therefore include, but are not limited to, Fry-ups, boiled eggs, omelettes, egg-fried rice etc.
I am not ashamed to say that I found myself carrying an egg deficit earlier this evening after an unplanned omelette session. I would describe my psychological state at that time to have been troubled; I found myself feeling queasy, confused, unable to focus on simple everyday tasks… my speech became heavily slurred, indicating retardedness. Physically I began to shake and my decision-making ability, usually so just and sensible, became erratic and potentially dangerous.
These are known side-effects of egg deficit. As I became aware of the problem, I quickly took a shower and regained my usual senses.
For more information on this, or any of my other theories, please respond to me, Paul Harland, directly.
Sunday, 9 May 2010
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
Cat and Brick Group annual review.
These are the annual financial reports for Cat and Brick Insurance, for the review of the Cat and Brick Group Board.
They have been verified by the CEO Paul Robert Harland and the shareholders have deemed the results "pleasing".
This year Cat and Brick Insurance expanded its total number of customers from 0 to 1. This represents an infinite increase in the number of customers in the UK. It has been commented that this remarkable percentage rise is a key indicator of a recovery in the grass roots economy.
Demographically speaking the majority of our current customers are irritable, pirate-like folk working in the catering industry.
As at the end of March our customers have made zero claims against The Policy. Our profits are therefore equal to 100% of revenue. This record is remarkable and quite clearly the envy of all other insurance brokers in the country.
The number of shareholders in Cat and Brick insurance has remained comfortingly consistent, with a total of 1. Majority shareholder Paul Robert Harland is currently in possession of all 1 billion shares, which have an (estimated) market value of £1.27 each.
Currently none of our customers have registered any complaints about our claims process in the past year. It is assumed based on this that the claims team head-count is sufficient.
At the current time we have no staff and therefore labour overheads are non-existent.
Charitable donations this year have already exceeded £20.00.
At present it has not been considered necessary by the management to specify The Policy in writing. This streamlined and flexible concept is seen as ground-breaking in the Insurance industry. It is perfectly aligned to our marketing themes for 2010.
Our marketing this year has been strongly themed around the 'Don't ask - just buy' slogan. Our growth in market share attests to the unique, edgy impact that this message carries.
The existence of a healthy customer base has enabled us to operate in a more tax-efficient manner – we no longer have to pay insignificance tax, the tax on pointless and ill-fated enterprises that lack the potential for future growth.
The shady, Spanish Santander Group evidently now consider us a direct opponent and a business threat. This is demonstrated by the unexplained, persistent appearance of flat-chested girls at our recruitment drives, dressing up in giant white jaguar outfits, making a mockery of our sharp new branding, and undermining our interviewing methods by responding to each question with the word, ‘Que?’ It is clear they want us out of this market. They will not succeed.
For more information, if you wish to purchase Insurance or to make a fair offer to any of our shareholders please get in touch with our Customer relations team.
They have been verified by the CEO Paul Robert Harland and the shareholders have deemed the results "pleasing".
This year Cat and Brick Insurance expanded its total number of customers from 0 to 1. This represents an infinite increase in the number of customers in the UK. It has been commented that this remarkable percentage rise is a key indicator of a recovery in the grass roots economy.
Demographically speaking the majority of our current customers are irritable, pirate-like folk working in the catering industry.
As at the end of March our customers have made zero claims against The Policy. Our profits are therefore equal to 100% of revenue. This record is remarkable and quite clearly the envy of all other insurance brokers in the country.
The number of shareholders in Cat and Brick insurance has remained comfortingly consistent, with a total of 1. Majority shareholder Paul Robert Harland is currently in possession of all 1 billion shares, which have an (estimated) market value of £1.27 each.
Currently none of our customers have registered any complaints about our claims process in the past year. It is assumed based on this that the claims team head-count is sufficient.
At the current time we have no staff and therefore labour overheads are non-existent.
Charitable donations this year have already exceeded £20.00.
At present it has not been considered necessary by the management to specify The Policy in writing. This streamlined and flexible concept is seen as ground-breaking in the Insurance industry. It is perfectly aligned to our marketing themes for 2010.
Our marketing this year has been strongly themed around the 'Don't ask - just buy' slogan. Our growth in market share attests to the unique, edgy impact that this message carries.
The existence of a healthy customer base has enabled us to operate in a more tax-efficient manner – we no longer have to pay insignificance tax, the tax on pointless and ill-fated enterprises that lack the potential for future growth.
The shady, Spanish Santander Group evidently now consider us a direct opponent and a business threat. This is demonstrated by the unexplained, persistent appearance of flat-chested girls at our recruitment drives, dressing up in giant white jaguar outfits, making a mockery of our sharp new branding, and undermining our interviewing methods by responding to each question with the word, ‘Que?’ It is clear they want us out of this market. They will not succeed.
For more information, if you wish to purchase Insurance or to make a fair offer to any of our shareholders please get in touch with our Customer relations team.
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